I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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