You just made me feel so damn special
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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