I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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