and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
