Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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