hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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