I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Randomize
