I bet he comes in French.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
