I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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