she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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