I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
