apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
