Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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