Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
