hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
