You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
