in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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