I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
