my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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