Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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