woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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