she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
