I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
