Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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