If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
