i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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