so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
