I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
