I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
