The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
