i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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