Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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