i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
