I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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