Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
