How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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