Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
