What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
