update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
