Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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