I wish I could teleport
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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