The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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