Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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