I murdered the dance floor call the cops
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
soo... how was my night?
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