I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
