he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
