There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
