I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Someone signed my nipple.
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