How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
