I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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