i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
