I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
