What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
no you cant smoke seaweed
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
